I remember her- a poem by Dr Javed Alam

I remember her

I remember her very well, a woman 
with a lack of restraint, 
pacing around in anxiety, in agitation;
carrying a fear 
of being abandoned by everyone, 
carrying an emptiness, a black hole, within. 

I remember her mercurial nature,
her lack of healthy boundaries with people,
her ambiguity about her goals and ideals,
her coquetries, her impulsivity, 
all gnawing the fabric 
of her simmering soul.

She called her days 
living on a roller coaster.

Her troubled early life 
nudged her to see things 
through a black and white paradigm.
She struggled to tolerate 
the grey shades, motley traits,
in human nature, in a single person.

I remember her pattern 
of unstable relationships,
her idealising and hating the same person 
within a short period, 
her pushing away the people 
she wants or needs in her life, 
​her lack of close friends, 
her random encounters with strangers, 
her spending sprees.

I remember her longing, desperation,
to fill her frightening emptiness 
with an enduring healthy relationship.
But she did not know the art of weaving
the fabric
of enduring relationships.
She had mastered the craft 
of draining the patience, the energy, 
of her family, and friends.

The tempests, within, drove her 
to kitchen drawers,
cliffs, drugs, rooftops, alien streets.

I remember her distorted self- image,
her doubts, her guilt, her denials, 
her streak of grandiosity;
her struggles to follow her treatments.

Yes, we did not let her wander in wilderness, 
and we promised to ourselves:
we will help her to work 
on her immediate and long term goals,  
on regulating her emotions, on practicing
mindfulness, on nourishing 
the healthy relationships, on finding a purpose to live,
​on becoming a rudder for her turbulent ship.

(2019)

(this a small attempt to demystify borderline/ emotionally unstable personality to raise awareness about this condition. This is a fictional account based on my encounter with hundreds of patients with this condition).

(The Beautiful Space- A Journal of Mind, Art and Poetry 2019)
©https://www.poeticnoesis.com/